The Honda

This post isn't about skating, but I felt it was a story that needed to be shared. To preface this tale, I will begin by saying that I live in the ghetto. There is a crack-and/or-whore house across the street, and stray dogs running wild. On more than one occasion, panhandlers have knocked on our door asking for money. Someone tried to buy weed from me last week. Our house isn't much better, at least on the outside. The inside is great, and we thought that would be enough to make living in this hellhole somewhat bearable. But outside, the landlords have given up on the landscaping entirely. The once beautiful flower beds are now nothing but weeds, and the yard is a minefield of dog crap from the losers in the other units who refuse to pick up after their pets.


Now for the icing on the proverbial shit-cake. My honda was stolen last week. I got a new car recently, and had been parking the honda in the street across from the devil house - for lack of a better place. I'm pretty sure someone noticed it wasn't being driven, and took advantage. Now, believe it or not, this wasn't altogether unfortunate. The car was a piece, to put it nicely. It had been in numerous wrecks, the most recent of which left it without a passenger-side mirror, or the ability to lower the passenger window. The paint was scratched, the interior was faded and peeling, and the A/C didn't work. And one of the wheels had a stripped lugnut, so I couldn't remove it to change the bald tire. In short, it wasn't much of a car, and you might say the thief did me a favor by taking it off my hands. I filed a police report, and assumed I'd never see it again.


Fast forward to two days ago, and I get a phone call from a random number while I'm with Emily in the middle of enjoying a lovely 1/2 sandwich 1/2 salad combo at Panera Bread. It's the cops telling me they've found my car. I ask if it can wait, I'm eating, and I'm very hungry. No, it can't wait. The woman on the phone tells me that the car has a flat and the ignition has been punched, but other than that it's in good working order. I'm surprised that it would be so pristine, but without time to ponder, I wolf down my sandwich, pack my salad in a to-go box and we head out.


We pull up to a dilapidated tenement complex, and see the police officer's car, but my car is nowhere in sight. Wait... what is that? It sure looks like a honda civic, but it doesn't look like my car. The body and wheels have been spray painted black and red, respectively. The trunk is open, and the contents have disappeared. I open the door, and it only gets worse. There is a giant hole in the dash where the stereo once was. The glove box and the center console are empty as well, and there are tools and odds and ends in the seats which didn't come from me. The cop, with feigned concern hardly masking the boredom in his voice, told me that anything in the car was mine now. So at this point I'll stop and give you a rundown of the treasures I salvaged from the car:


- A DVD/VCR combo with remote (stolen I assume).
- A CD single of "Shawty get loose" (I listened to it today...not bad at all)
- A blue maglite.
- Some screwdrivers, one of which is required to start the car now that the ignition is sitting in my lap.
- A pair of crimson and cream sunglasses with "Oklahoma" on the bridge of the nose. (Oh, the irony!!! robbed by a fellow Sooner!!!)


The front left tire is flat, which happens to be the same tire that is on the broken wheel. The thief had apparently taken a machine tool to it and completely mauled the wheel to no avail. The cop suggested I air the tire up before I drive the car home, so I run down the street to O'Reilly's and get a can of fix-a-flat. When I come back I find out I just wasted $5.43 because the tire can't hold air when the wheel is cracked in half from the inside. The cop tells me to drive it home slowly...duh...so I turn the car on, and it turns several times before turning over. Of course, the bastard siphoned out the gas before he left. That stuff is worth real money. It had just enough fumes left to get me home, with Emily following to keep me from being run off the road. And of course, there's still no safe place to park it, so it goes right back to the street where it was when it got stolen.


Epilogue: I rented a tow dolly from U-haul for $40, took a half-day of vacation, and dragged the honda to Carmax, where they will buy anything. No lie. And...drumroll please...$205.00. That's what my car is now worth. Luckily that is just enough to make the whole ordeal even somewhat worthwhile.


God I can't wait to get out of here. I close on the house August 3rd (Oh yeah, I bought a house. It's in Edmond. It's awesome because the neighbors have teeth and don't take the bus to work.) Counting down the days...


P.S. I forgot to take pictures of the car, but I'll make sure I get some when I go pick up my check.